Relationship Pillar

Session 4

Checking & Agenda:

  • How was your week?

  • 11-Ways To Have Coherent Confident Conversations

  • 3-Ways of Being That Create Disconnect In Relationships

10-Ways To Have Coherent Confident Conversations

Develop interactions that are engaging and leave a good impact.

How to talk and how to listen (3):

  1. Don’t multi-task when talking with others. Be in the moment.
  2. Don’t pontificate or express your opinions in an arrogant way
  3. Enter every conversation assuming you have something to learn
  4. Use open-ended questions: who, what, when where, and why
  5. Go with the flow. Your thoughts will come in. Let them go back out.
  6. If you don’t know, say you don’t know
  7. Don’t equate your experience with theirs
  8. Try not to repeat yourself
  9. You don’t need all the details. They don’t matter as much as the connection.
  10. Listen

“An essential part of true listening is the discipline of bracketing, the temporary giving up or setting aside of one’s own prejudices, frames of reference and desires so as to experience as far as possible the speaker’s world from the inside, step in inside his or her shoes.”

— M. Scott Peck

3-Ways Of Being That Create Disconnect

There are 4-main ways of being in a relationship.

#1 Blaming A Villain

When you create a villain in your mind you make yourself right and the other wrong. This creates a huge disconnect between you both. The blaming of another disconnects you and leaves you feeling either righteous or like a victim or both.

Here are two statements to help yourself get out of this archetype:

  • A part of me is feeling (true feeling).
  • What if there is another way to look at this? (Try and put yourself in their shoes)
  • Ask yourself what is one thing you did wrong and one thing they did right?
  • Can we have a do-over?

The first statement is telling the truth about how your feeling and acknowledging your feelings.

The questions open up to connection and seeing the situation from another angle.

#2 Being A Victim

Do you know anyone who complains a lot?

This person feels like a victim. They think things happen to them because of other people, situations or events out of their control. This is a poor-me kind of person and gives their power away.

When you are in this archetype you disconnect from others because you think you have no power and that you don’t matter.

Here are two statements to help yourself get out of this archetype:

  • A part of me is feeling like this is my fault.
  • Can we have a do-over?
  • I see that I could have done (Insert action here) better.
  • Would you be willing to (Insert what you need here and be okay if they say, “No”.)

The first statement is telling the truth about how your feeling and acknowledging your feelings.

Then you’re creating a connection by having a do-over.

Next, you’re owning your own stuff and not being a victim.

Lastly, you’re stating what you need in the relationship. Be brave. You deserve your needs met too!

The question opens up connection so that you both can

#3 Being The Hero

Do you know anyone who always tries to fix other people’s issues or save others?

This is the hero. They have a hard time simply listening and having compassion for others because they want to fix things. Their main challenge is empathy and compassion without giving advice.

The hero disconnects with others by trying to fix situations instead of just being with the situation and letting it be okay that it’s broken.

Here are some statements to help yourself get out of this archetype:

  • A part of me is feeling (state your true feelings).
  • Tell me more about that.
  • I know you’ll figure this out

Again, you want to state your true feelings. This is important. Feelings matter.

The next statement is crucial for Heros because a hero has trouble listening and wants to jump in and fix everything. If you ask them to tell you more, they will and your job is to listen.

Lastly, you’re putting faith in the person that they’ll figure it out. This is exactly why they are here on earth and having the challenge they are having. They need and will figure it out.

The hero can help by believing in them.

Connection Matters More Than Anything!

This week notice if you are playing in any of these archetypes and bring connection back to your relationships.

Let us know what comes up for you!

Resource:

(3) Ted Talk with Celeste Headlee: How to Have a Good Conversation